Thursday, 11 April 2013

Monday, 8 April 2013

The stories behind 'Better' and 'Break'


Break is a strange one. partly because it's the first time I've written a song where it relied heavily on the influence of others. playing around with the core elements of the song with Mattias Eken (on Cajon) and Mariam Moghaddassi (on bass) meant that we could do things I could never really do writing solo. specifically the bridge, without the bass tying it together and the cajon build up to the chorus, the song wouldn't work. I honestly dread ever wanting to play it solo live...

the song itself is an extremely large metaphor. It looks at addiction, specifically and how it controls your life. it seems like the most beautiful thing in the world to you, as well as the most destructive element. it's something you can't live without, but living with it is hell. I purposely personified it, as my biggest experiences of addiction have been to people, however the addiction I've suffered as of late is far from human. it's easier to think about it in people terms though. Sex is such a large part of humanity, and our reasons to survive and move forward, it just made sense to me. Plus I have a love of the dramatic and bitter, this kind of song lyrically are usually my favourite to write. making people uncomfortable and writing raw pure emotion really is when I'm in my element. clearly there's something wrong with me.

Let me make a note - Break isn't about a specific person. so no paranoia, friends.


Better kind of started this all. after so long of damning everything I'd ever written, I decided to just ignore my inner critic and write something simple. and that's what better is, it's simple, kinda predictable and just an all around basic four chord pop song, (although a sad one. I can't escape my instincts with song writing).

So it makes sense that the entire song is about my internal struggle to fight my anxiety condition. As much as I know I have a problem, that probably can't ever really be 'cured', but can be 'managed' by better health, being careful, little calming tricks and possibly drugs, it still kills me that I can't just will myself to be better. and I've tried, very hard. I've forced myself into situations in the hope that some forgotten survival instinct will kick in and save the day, and it never really does. regardless of facts and the above-average knowledge I have about mental health, I still can't fight the feeling that I could be so much better (quoting the lyrics now!). This song is the reason I wanted to do this project, and it's the reason I haven't given up. it's me, plain and simple, naked to the world, expecting ridicule. and that's pretty much how I need to move forward musically if I ever intend to be taken seriously.

'Better' lyrics

Anaylse, repeat.
Anxiety, defeat.

Silenced by the sound,
pulling to the ground.

I could be so much better x3
if I could learn to try,
if I could learn to trust me.

Caged and bound, awake.
with no roads to take.

Falling to the floor,
boiling at the core.

I could be so much better x3
if I could learn to try,
if I could learn to...

trust me to be 
able to overcome these
crippling fears
trust me, I want to be
able to battle these
torrential tears.

I could be so much better...
I could be so much better...
I could be so much better... could I? 

Could I?

... Could I?!

'Break' lyrics

I'd love to see you.
legs spread,
soaked in fumes.
I'd love to kiss away your shame,
so self induced.

I'd love to hurt you.
to raise the cross,
to tie the noose.
I'd love to spill your guts across
the local news.

So keep me in your bed
keep me interested
lead me on, build me up,
make me strong then tear me down
keep me on my knees
keep hands on me
let me go, let me break,
let me lie in this mistake. 

I'd love to taste you.
to take you whole,
to cut you loose.
my tongue will trace the lines until
you come unglued.

I'd love to break you.
to leave you dry,
to salt your wounds.
I'd love to drink enough
until nothing is left of you.

So keep me in your bed
keep me interested
lead me on, build me up,
make me strong then tear me down
keep me on my knees
keep hands on me
let me go, let me break,
let me lie in this mistake.

What's Happening...

Hello people who care for the music of me!

I've started this blog purely to discuss my musical journey, to keep people updated and just muse about creativity.

I'm a 24 year old welsh musician. I primarily perform solo with just an acoustic guitar but over the years I've had people play with me, or I've been in bands (playing electric guitar and very rarely playing drums!)
I play lots of different instruments and I'm always keen to perform and experiment with music. so that's what this blog is about!

At the moment I have a full time job which means finding the time to write, play and record is limited, but regardless of this I've been hit by creative lightning lately!

the last year or two for me has heavily been plagued by my difficulties with my anxiety problems. they've always been a problem but the more I grow up and the more responsibility I have, the worse it seems to get. I decided that I wanted to fuel my frustration and feelings on the matter into a one off CD.
usually my music is broad. I don't have a 'typical' song. I usually write songs about feelings, or people, or my feelings for people. a lot of those are melancholy, angry, confused, happy, etc. any number of things really.
this is my first stab at a 'concept', and I'm quite happy with it.

So the E.P that is currently under-way is going to be called 'Disorder'. let me tell you about it.


This idea came over time, really. I wanted to challenge myself. I have quite low self esteem, so for ages I kept talking myself out of recording or writing material. I'd over analyze my stuff tell myself it wasn't good enough and would not get very far.
I started listening to this rap guy called Watsky, and on his latest album he has this song called 'Moral Of The Story' which effectively points out the obvious - to get anywhere in life, you need to work for it.
It truly inspired me to face my fears and short-comings and just get on with it. now for someone with mental health issues this is an extremely difficult feat but I kind of just thought I had to throw caution to the wind and give it a go.

So Disorder, as it stands, will be a 5 track E.P dealing with my difficulties with my mental health.
so far there are two solid finished tracks. one of which still needs some minor adjusting in post production, the other I am hopeful to say is completely finished.
there is another song currently in writing, and two more left to go.
An online friend is re-designing my logo for me, so I can get the artwork started, and I've been working with a percussionist and bassist when composing some of the material (although the completely finished song has been a solo effort).

So far the song titles are 'Break' and 'Better'. both of these can be heard on my soundcloud page (or just click on them!).

I have really strong feelings for how this EP is shaping up. it's a direction I've never really gone for, and it seems to be teaching me what my real 'sound' is like, from a recording perspective.
I am very happy with the development so far, and I hope you all will be too :)